The NYSE Probably Isn't That Important, Either

“New York has no national monuments or icons.”

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The above statement would leave most Americans scratching their heads in confusion, wondering what manner of ignorant soul could possibly have come up with that brilliant proclamation. But that’s the gospel truth. At least, if you listen to the Department of Homeland Security, it is. Apparently, nobody down at DHS headquarters has ever been to the Empire State Building, Times Square, Central Park, Yankee Stadium, or the Statue of Liberty. Because if they had, they probably wouldn’t have been so quick to make the above statement, a direct quote from a May DHS report justifying massive cuts in security funding for cities most likely to be the victims of a terror attack. According to ABC News, the Big Apple’s absence of national icons or places of symbolic significance was a main reason the federal government slashed NYC’s security funding by 40%.

And don’t think you’re safe, either, my fellow Hoyas. “What?” you ask with indignation. “But Washington, D.C., is our nation’s capital, home to dozens of monuments, museums, and historical landmarks! What kind of idiot couldn’t see that that would make it a target Osama probably salivates over?” Our old friends over at DHS, that’s who. Washington also suffered huge cuts this year, from $77 million from Uncle Sam down to about $46 million, reports this morning’s Washington Post.

DHS’s announcement immediately led to denunciations from lawmakers of both parties, and even most security experts were surprised, expecting this year’s review of national security funding to lead to more money for these prime terrorist targets, not less.

So how are New Yorkers and Washingtonians supposed to feel secure knowing that their city governments have unexpectedly been left in lurch? Officials wouldn’t say, but certain DHS employees have been spotted at the Tenleytown Home Depot stocking up on duct tape.