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Oh, it wouldn't be a Wednesday if Ann Coulter didn't put out another wonderful ranting. Since last week's column was as delicious as this week's, and because I, like all of you, have finals, we will combine her last two columns into one conservative screeching.

The sheer lunacy of Coulter's two columns these last two weeks raise new questions about her mental health. In last week's column, she advocates for torture. Reviewing an interview that Matt Lauer had with President Bush over the 9/11 anniversary, she claims that a) waterboarding (making someone experience drowning) Khalid Sheikh Muhammad is actually a "reward", b) Guantanamo Bay prisoners get "chocolate eclairs", and c) Americans actually love to know that we're torturing suspected terrorists. Well, funny enough, I know no Americans who think waterboarding is a rewarding experience, but that's very anecdotal. And I ran a google search and funnily enough, no chocolate eclairs have been served in Guantanamo, not even the ice cream bars.

But I'm particularly surprised by her allegation that Americans like torture, I mean, that's what I thought, but it's pretty interesting to look at the polling on this. ABC, the dastardly liberal news organization that is owned by the Disney Corporation (turning our kids homosexual with their singing mice), commissioned a poll that pretty clearly makes Coulter look like an ass.

According to the poll, 63% of Americans say that torturing supected terrorists is never justified. Wow, what a bunch of liberal lefties that live in this great country of ours. But that is just media spin, those Americans must think torture means ripping off people's limbs and feeding it to them. Waterboarding, forced nudity, electric shocks, and sexual humiliation are no biggies, and Americans must support those activities. Well, actually, not so much. According to the poll, only 16% think it is acceptable to sexually humiliate terrorist suspects (guess they aren't in love with Abu Ghraib), only 17% like electric shocks, only 19% like forced nudity, and only 21% accept waterboarding as acceptable.

Oh my God, or maybe I should say ya Rabbi, which is the Arabic, cause this nation is made up of a bunch of terrorist sympathizers. It seems that 80% of this country wants us to treat suspected terrorists with, dare I say it, a basic amount of human dignity. Astonishing really! But it's ok for Coulter, it's not like she needs to check her facts before she writes this bullshit. She's a right-winger, and when you're lucky enough to write this crap for a bunch of horny conservative teens who yearn for a date with Coulter at some club that sets Jane Fonda on fire, you don't need facts, hey, you can even make em up as you go along.

But Coulter gets better this week. Her piece is riddled with delicious bits of pure insanity. Take this, when she notes that antiwar Democratic veterans ran and won this year:

To the credit of the voters -- especially the American Legion and VFW -- the Democrats didn't fool enough Americans to even match the average midterm gains for the party out of power.

Well, interesting observation, Ann. Forgetting about 2002, and 1998, when the party out of power in the White House actually lost seats, but looking back before that, we see that the GOP picked up 52 seats in 1994. In 1990, Democrats picked up 7 seats. In 1986, Democrats picked up 5 seats. In 1982, Dems picked up 27 seats, in 1978, the GOP picked up 15 seats, in 1974, Dems picked up 49 seats, and in 1970, Dems picked up 12 seats. Now, I'm no mathematician, but if I'm correct, out of the last seven midterm elections, not counting the last two "flukes", the average gain for a party out of power is 23 seats, and if I included the negative outcomes for 1998 and 2002, the total would be lower. But funny enough, Democrats picked up 30 seats this cycle. I can't add, I'm in the SFS after all, but 30 seems bigger than 23 to me, how about you?

But Ann doesn't need to be correct about the facts, she can just make up her own.

Then there's this nugget:
But the point is: You can't run as a phony patriot and then claim your victory is a mandate for surrender.

Well, I googled every one of the new Democrats elected to Congress this year, and not one of their websites had the words "phony patriot" in them. And I googled the Speaker-designates website and she doesn't have the word "surrender" anywhere on there. Funny Ann, you're wrong again.

Then she goes mouthing off on the geriatrics over at the Iraq Study Group. She said that Vernon Jordan got his claim to fame "getting Monica Lewinsky a job at Revlon when she was threatening Bill Clinton with the truth." I don't know, but I think a guy who can find a job for someone in this economy is pretty impressive. But what's more interesting here is that Ann reveals that Monica was "threatening" the President; this new information should alert the Secret Service, and I call on them to begin an immediate investigation into this likely terrorist Monica Lewinsky. We really should waterboard her, since the American people would be 100% behind it.

Oh, Ann, give us more, we yearn for more:
Have things changed on the ground in Iraq? Are our troops being routed? Hardly. The number of U.S. fatalities has gone from a high of 860 deaths in 2004 to 845 in 2005, to 695 through November of this year. If the Islamic fascists double their rate of killing Americans in the next month, there will still be fewer American fatalities in Iraq this year than in the previous two years.

Admittedly, it would be a little easier to track our progress in Iraq if the Pentagon would tell us how many of them we're killing, but apparently our Pentagon is too spooked by the insurgents posing as civilians to mention the deaths of our enemies.

Moreover, it might seem churlish to mention the number of Islamic lunatics we've killed during the holy month of Ramadan. Half the time we do anything to them, it's "the holy month of Ramadan." It's always Ramadan. When on Earth is Ramadan over?

Well, I for one, am glad that 695 Americans have died, because it's less than the year before. I would have been even happier if 844 Americans died this year, because it would have been one less than last year, and that's a victory, especially when you compare it to all those terrorists we're killing over there. I mean, it's about 3,000 a month, and when everyone with half a brain says those are civilians, they're clearly crazy. Those deaths, all Iraqi on Iraqi, are actually American soldiers killing terrorists. The amazing thing is, that General Abizaid says there are only about 10,000 foreign fighters in Iraq total, so my question for Ann is, if these are all terrorists dying, we've completed the mission, right? Let's go home, then.

But I really got to give it to Ann, these Muslims really keep complaining that it's Ramadan, Ramadan, Ramadan. Well, Schmamadan, it's funny that Ramadan has been over for a couple of months now.

But Ann's conclusion tops it off with a call for 6,000 Americans to die necessary deaths in Iraq. Don't believe me:
If absolutely nothing changed in Iraq over the next few years -- if it didn't continue to get better and if the savages never lost heart (I'm assuming they subscribe to "TimesSelect") -- by 2010, 6,000 brave American troops will have died to prevent another 9/11 terrorist attack on American soil for a decade.

If that's a war Americans think we're "losing," Osama bin Laden was right: We are a paper tiger.

Well, great, four more years, 3,000 more deaths, probably another trillion or two spent, our reputation even more in the toilet and down the drain, I'm glad we have Ann rooting for the team. What a patriot that heinous (fill in the blank) is!

And seriously, in the comments, fill in the blank, and be creative!